NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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