Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
