So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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