I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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