I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
