hell yes lets make some ravioli
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
