Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize