I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
