At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
