I'm eating all of the evidence.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
