felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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