Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
