i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
You can't motorboat a personality
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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