Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
