Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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