The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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