it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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