I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
