Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
