you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
