When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
