i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
