...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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