Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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