My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
