Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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