Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
