just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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