I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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