I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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