Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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