I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
