He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
