I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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