Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
