im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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