My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
