You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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