my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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