So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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