This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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