the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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