i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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