I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
