Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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