I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
