i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
bring money and cleavage
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
it's like heaven, but drunker
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Randomize
