We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
