I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
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