I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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