I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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