Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
