So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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