just survived the first fart of the relationship.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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