We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
