just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
