She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
