I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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