How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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